taintedwicked

EDITED to post the fic here, thanks to idiotic Geocities closing and breaking my links. Ugh.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

TITLE: Choices To Live With
AUTHOR: Tainted Pink
WEBSITE: http://www.livejournal.com/users/taintedwicked
RATING: NC-17 to be safe (probably more like a hard R)
LENGTH: 27632 words
PAIRING: Severus Snape / Remus Lupin
SPOILERS: PS/SS, CoS, PoA, GoF, OotP
WARNINGS: Slash, MPreg
FEEDBACK: Very appreciated, especially the constructive kind.
SUMMARY: Severus Snape and Sirius Black compete for Remus Lupin's affections. Snape gains the upper hand in an underhanded way.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: This story is an entry in Misconceptions: Harry Potter Mpreg Fuh-Q-Fest Wave 2 (http://hpmpregfqf.design-of-decadence.net/)
CHALLENGE: Wave 2 Challenge #155: Snape and Sirius compete for Remus. At first, anything Snape offers Remus is doubled by Sirius, but by chance Snape finds out something that Remus really, really wants: a baby. Snape knows that Sirius is very rigid in his sexuality/masculinity, and would never agree to carry a baby (which is necessary because Remus cannot). (Submitted by Harper)
BETA: Seawytch Leah

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

"Remus!"

Lupin looked up from his books. "Yes, Sirius?"

"I got them!" Black waved two colorful squares of parchment in front of Lupin's face as he collapsed into a chair. "Tickets to that opera you said you're dying to see."

Lupin made an uncharacteristically eager grab for the tickets. "You're joking."

Black pulled his hand away in time. "No. Balcony seats. Only the best for my Moony. You wouldn't believe what it takes to get tickets to a Saturday night show."

Lupin frowned slightly. "Saturday? I... Sirius, I made plans for Saturday."

Black raised an eyebrow. "What plans are more important than this? You've wanted to go for months. I'm sure you can reschedule whatever it is."

Lupin continued to frown, but Black got up, walked around the table, put his arms around Lupin's neck, and leaned close. "You know you want it, Moony. Reschedule. You won't regret it." Slipping the tickets into the pocket of Lupin's robes, Black kissed him lightly on the cheek and straightened up. "I have a class to teach. I'll see you."

"Yes," Lupin said distractedly. "See you."

With a wave, Black sauntered off down the isle, ignoring Pince's hissed warning to stop his off-tune humming.

Lupin fished the tickets out of his pocket and stared at them. Finally, with a heavy sigh, he gathered up his things and headed toward the exit.

Behind the Muggle Studies bookshelf, Snape slowly uncurled his tightly clenched fists, gritting his teeth against the sharp pain.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

"Severus?"

After a moment, Snape's voice came from inside the cupboard at the other end of the room. "In here, Lupin."

Remus felt a shiver run down his back. He wasn't looking forward to this. "Could we talk?"

"Talk," came the terse reply. Snape still didn't appear, and Remus couldn't see him through the half-open cupboard door.

"I-I'm afraid I have to cancel our dinner this Saturday. Something's come up. I'm very sorry, and I hope we can reschedule."

"Fine."

Remus came forward slowly, peering into storage room. "Severus? Are you sure?"

Snape pushed the door open, startling him. "I said, fine. I understand things will come up."

Remus was far from reassured. Snape was never this reasonable, especially not about something like a canceled dinner date. "Would Sunday night be all right with you? I will clear my schedule."

Snape regarded him with a cold, calculated look. "Friday would be better. I have to attend a conference on Sunday, and it may run late."

Remus swallowed. He wasn't sure, but he thought Snape probably knew Sirius was taking Remus, Harry, and Ron to a Muggle cinema that Friday. "Er... Yes. Of course. Friday will be fine."

He would deal with Sirius later, somehow.

Snape nodded, and there was a hint of a self-satisfied smirk around his mouth. "Very well. Seven o'clock sharp, my quarters."

Remus forced a smile. "Wonderful. I'm glad that's settled."

Snape saw him to the door, holding it open for him. "Will I see you at the staff meeting tonight?"

"No. I have a lot of work to finish, and since I'm not teaching, I thought that should be my priority."

"In that case, I wish you good night," Snape said, starting to close the door.

"Good night, Severus."

The door shut, leaving Remus alone in the empty dungeon corridor. He closed and rubbed his eyes tiredly, wishing conversations with Snape didn't exhaust him so.

In all, he thought it had gone quite well. Now all he had to do was explain to Sirius why he had to back out of their Friday outing.

If he didn't know better, he would have thought Snape knew why he had canceled their date.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Snape paced in front of the fireplace, waiting impatiently for Lupin's arrival.

Candles lit the room, and the table was set for two. A bright fire kept the room comfortably warm. A three course meal had been specially prepared by Snape's personal house-elf. Everything was ready.

A timid knock on the door signaled his date's arrival. Snape waited to the count of four before going to answer it. No reason to seem overly eager, after all.

Lupin was dressed in what Snape understood to be his best robes; shabby, faded brown material with patches on the elbows that didn't quite match.

"Am I early?"

"Right on time," Snape said, showing him into the dining room. He pulled out a chair. "Sit down."

Lupin sat down, looking slightly uncomfortable, as he usually did. This was hardly their first dinner together. They'd had two dozen dates, most in the form of dinner in Snape's quarters. Despite this, Lupin never lost his anxious look.

Snape turned away, as much to hide a tight smile as to serve the first course. Lupin was always eager to please; a trait Snape saw as a character flaw in anyone else. "Wine?"

"Yes, please," Lupin said, holding up his glass.

Snape poured it, then set the bottle down, almost unconsciously turning it so Lupin would be able to see the date on the label. Only the best for --

"Is something wrong?" Lupin asked, obviously catching the sudden scowl that Snape had allowed to slip.

"No," Snape said, carefully removing all traces of emotion from his face. "I merely recalled Longbottom's performance in my class today."

"Hmm," Remus murmured. "Odd thing to recall."

"Clearly, you have no idea what a mess Longbottom is capable of creating when given the proper instruments."

Lupin frowned, and Snape wished he hadn't brought up Longbottom at all. Why Lupin had to make a pet of the bumbling boy, he couldn't imagine.

They ate in silence for a while. A few times, Lupin appeared about to speak, then thought better of it and dropped his gaze.

"How is your research coming along?" Snape asked finally. Work-related conversations were generally safest.

"It's coming alone fine. I have only one more tome to check before I'm ready to proceed."

"We can look forward to having Hogwarts back in order, then," Snape said with an approving nod.

Lupin smiled weakly. "You have that much confidence in me?"

"Of course," Snape said. "You have proven yourself capable."

Lupin seemed a bit shocked by the praise, and Snape wondered if he'd gone too quickly. Black had a way of poisoning Lupin's mind against him, and Lupin had spent far too much time with the mutt lately. It had a way of undoing any progress Snape made.

Then Lupin smiled. "Thank you. It's nice to have someone so certain of my success. There have been moments when I doubted myself."

Snape bit back a comment about the company Lupin was keeping. "You allow your work to be under-appreciated, in my opinion," he said instead. "If it were not for you, we would be locked out of the Great Hall to this day. There's no need to worry yourself over a few classrooms and storage cupboards. I hope you haven't been overexerting yourself?"

"Not at all. I enjoy the challenge, really."

Snape nodded. Lupin was so like himself, enjoying long hours of research and trial-and-error experimentation. For Lupin, charms and spells held as much interest as potions did for Snape. The year they had spent working closely together had convinced Snape that Lupin would make a fine partner for him.

If only Black hadn't turned up to foul up his plans, Lupin would be his already.

Snape forced a smile and poured Lupin more wine. Black could try, but he wasn't going to win Lupin's affections. Neither would he chase Snape off. Not again. This time Snape would not give Lupin up.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

"Come on, Sirius, where are you taking us?" Harry asked impatiently, tugging on Sirius' sleeve.

Sirius shook his head, hair flying. "No. Won't tell. It's a surprise."

"Remus?"

Remus shrugged helplessly. "I'm just as much in the dark as you are, Harry."

Sirius grinned and grabbed both of their hands. "Come on you two. Only a bit farther."

They came to the end of the lane, and Sirius unlatched a gate. "This way."

He led them through a rather neglected garden, up a cobblestone path, and finally up the steps of a large, newly painted house. There he stopped, and with a flourish produced a large brass key.

"What are you up to, Sirius?" Remus asked. "Did you rent this house for the summer?"

Sirius shook his head, grinning widely again. "Bought it."

Harry's jaw dropped. "You mean, it's ours?"

Sirius caught him up in a fierce hug. "I got it the same day I got these --" He pulled an official looking envelope out of his pocket. "The Ministry is giving you to me, Harry. You don't have to go back to the Dursleys."

Remus fell back a step, stunned by Sirius' announcement. Just a month ago their legal advisor had told them it wouldn't be possible. Harry was needed for the trials, and the Dursleys kept him safer than Ministry officials thought Sirius could.

"Remus? What do you think? Isn't it brilliant?"

Remus nodded, still feeling numb. "Wonderful, Sirius. I'm so happy for you."

Sirius laughed and pulled him into an affectionate hug. "Be happy for yourself, too, you dolt. This is going to be your home from now on."

Remus blinked. "What?"

"You didn't think I was going to let you starve on the streets, did you?"

"I'm hardly starving on the streets."

"Hogwarts is not a home," Sirius said stubbornly. "This is."

Remus pursed his lips.

"Harry," Sirius said, turning to the boy, who was peering into the house through the glass panels on either side of the door. "Why don't you go on in? I left something for you in the front room."

Harry disappeared inside, and Sirius pushed the door shut. "Look, Remus. I know this is moving a bit fast. I know there's not a lot between us right now, despite my best efforts. But I want you. I've been saying so for Merlin knows how long. You have to make up your mind."

Remus shook his head slowly. "I --"

"Shh," Sirius said, putting a finger to Remus' lips. "Don't say anything now. Just come in and see the house. Look at everything I'm offering you. A home. A real home. With me. And Harry. Just come and see."

Remus let out the breath he'd been holding. "All right. Lets have a look."

Sirius grinned triumphantly, and turned to open the door.

Remus, sighing in resignation, followed him inside.

"I know you love to cook," Sirius said, leading him into the kitchen. "Look at this. A place for everything. We could feed an army."

Remus looked appreciatively around the large, sunny kitchen. He did love to cook, and neither the shack he used to call come -- before the Ministry took that away from him, too -- or Hogwarts offered him the opportunity.

"There's enough room out back to hold Quidditch games," Sirius continued, pushing aside the curtains and pointing out the window. "And have a garden. I know you used to grow a lot of your own herbs."

Remus followed him to the front room.

"It's not hooked up to the network yet," Sirius said, nodding toward the fireplace. "Come upstairs and see the bedrooms." Then he raised his voice. "Harry! Where'd you go?"

Harry came thundering down the staircase. "This is great, Sirius! Just brilliant!"

"You found it, then?"

Harry nodded. He turned to Remus. "My room has a secret passage!"

"It ends here, behind that bookcase," Sirius said, walking over to it and pressing a knot in the wood to show how the shelves swung aside to reveal a narrow corridor.

"And Sirius made a map of the house," Harry added. "Is it all mine, Sirius?"

"All yours. Have you seen the garden yet?"

Harry ran off, and Sirius ushered Remus upstairs.

"This is Harry's room. Has a nice view of the river."

Remus peered in. Clearly, Sirius had done a lot to make the room welcoming. Everything was Gryffindor red and gold.

"This is going to be mine," Sirius said, leading him to a room across the hall.

Remus pressed his lips together. He wished Sirius hadn't done this.

The room was nothing like what Sirius himself would have liked. Bookshelves lined the walls. The lights were oil lamps, not torches, because while Sirius preferred torches, Remus found it hard to read by flickering light. The bed was piled high with soft bedding, despite Sirius' preference for a firm mattress. In short, Sirius meant this to be Remus' dream bedroom.

And it was.

The more Remus looked around, the more he could imagine himself reading in one of the comfortable leather armchairs by the fire, or watching Harry practice Quidditch from the wide window-seat, or sipping tea in bed --

"You love it, don't you?"

Remus drew in a breath. He didn't want to argue with Sirius, and he didn't want to hurt him. Sirius did love him, even if Remus knew the love wasn't the sort you could build a life on. "The room is beautiful, Sirius."

"I knew you'd think so. Now tell me, wouldn't you rather have all this --" Sirius gestured around the room. "Instead of grimy, dank dungeons, infested with rats and snakes and --"

"No rats, Sirius," Remus said softly.

"That just goes to show you even rats are smarter than to live there."

"I don't want to fight with you, Sirius."

At that moment, Harry came running in, and Sirius' scowl disappeared behind a forced smile.

Remus took one last look around the bedroom before following the two downstairs.

Sirius' offer was tempting. It had been tempting back in their school days, as well, but back then Remus had chosen to remain solitary. That option was no longer available. With no home and no work, Remus was reliant on charity for his very existence.

It was not an easy choice to be faced with.

On the one hand, Sirius offered him the sort of life Remus had only dreamed of. He would have everything, and live surrounded by friends. If he hadn't known Sirius as well as he did, Remus would have chosen him on the spot.

Sirius preferred women. Which was not to say he didn't like men as well, but Remus didn't think Sirius would be happy spending his life with a man, even if it was his best friend. It would always be an issue between them, and Sirius would always miss what he couldn't have. Remus couldn't allow him to do it, knowing what would happen. Eventually, Sirius would grow to resent him, but by then it would be too late; wizard marital vows could not be broken.

But what if Remus rejected him? Sirius had Harry, after all. Remus didn't know if he could stand losing them both.

On the other hand, there was his relationship with Snape, which had only just begun to blossom when Sirius' return set it back so far. Snape offered none of the comforts and material possessions. Rigidly pragmatic, Snape owned only what he needed, lived simply, and frowned on any sort of merrymaking. Remus' love of the arts, opera, and Muggle cinema and music would be stifled.

But Snape could make Wolfsbane. Though he had never held it over Remus' head, Remus couldn't help but be uneasy about Snape's potential reaction to rejection. Dumbledore was no longer around to force Snape's compliance, and Remus' health was shaky at best these days.

And Snape could love him, potentially. Sometimes Remus thought he might be the only one Snape had ever truly come close to loving. It had been so in their school days, and it was so now. Snape had no reason to open himself up to possible hurt, and yet he did, even in the face of opposition as formidable as Sirius Black's intention of having Remus for himself.

Remus shook his head to clear away the thoughts. Whatever he decided, there would be repercussions. Neither could he continue as he was, taking no sides and making no decision. Leading both men on would only cause more problems in the end.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Remus stopped in front of the heavy oak door and knocked lightly.

"Come in, Remus," Sirius called from inside. "I left it open."

Remus entered and looked around curiously. The last time he'd seen Sirius' office, it was a mess of half-unpacked crates and boxes. Now it was neat as a pin. "Cleared it out, have you?"

Sirius raised an eyebrow. "I'm not a slob, Remus. A place for everything, and everything in it's place, that's my motto."

Remus smirked. Did Sirius know how comical that was, coming from him? "I think it's great you managed to get organized. That Cavanaugh woman left a loathsome mess. Now, what did you want to see me about?"

Sirius coughed slightly and averted his eyes. "Just wondered how your date with Snape went."

Remus crossed his arms over his chest. "It was fine. Is there some reason you wish to know?"

"Just looking out for my Moony," Sirius said, still not looking at him.

"Really, Sirius. I can manage my own affairs."

Sirius coughed derisively, and Remus wished he had chosen his words with more care. There was a long, uncomfortable silence.

"Is there anything else?"

Sirius shrugged. "Would it help to ask you not to see him again? The git threw me the ugliest sneer over breakfast this morning."

"No."

"I'm not trying to tell you what to do, Remus. Only don't see him just to show me you can."

"That would never be my reason for doing anything."

"Then why?" Sirius demanded. "You can't possibly enjoy it!"

"I do."

Sirius stared at him, a scowl creeping over his face. "Explain it to me."

Remus exhaled in frustration. Explaining wouldn't do any good, he knew. "We have a lot in common."

Sirius snorted. "Is that so?"

"We both enjoy reading and research. We're both focused on our work."

"All work and no fun, sounds like," Sirius said. "I know you're not that boring, Remus. You like your fun."

"But not all the time," Remus said. "I need someone I can have a decent, intelligent conversation with, Sirius. I can't talk about nothing but Quidditch."

Sirius looked hurt, and Remus was mildly sorry for losing his cool. Sirius might know nothing about the classics, and his conversations did turn to Quidditch too often for Remus' taste, but Remus enjoyed them nonetheless.

"Look," he said, shaking his head slightly. "We had something in school, and it didn't work out because I chose to listen to my friends rather than follow my own heart. Now I'm getting a second chance. Maybe it's not perfect, and maybe we are both different now, but this time I plan to give it a chance to develop."

"You're mad, Remus," Sirius said, leaving his seat and crossing the room to the window. "I can't believe you're even considering it."

Remus said nothing. A full minute passed in silence.

Sirius turned to face him, a mixture of anger and confusion on his face. "Just tell me why you don't want me. I have everything to offer you! I'll love you! You know I'll love you!"

Remus felt a familiar ache in his chest. Sirius' pleading always hurt more than any angry word could. "I know you think so, Sirius. I also know you won't be happy with me. I can't be what you want. Another woman will come along, like Beth Krupnik had, only this time you won't be free to go. I can't --"

"You're wrong!" Sirius shouted, his face turning red.

Remus shook his head. "I'm not wrong. We tried it, Sirius, and it didn't work out. I don't want to hurt you, and I don't want to be hurt."

Sirius had crossed the room and had him by the shoulders before Remus could blink. "I wouldn't hurt you! It's him, isn't it? He's filled your head with these ideas, hasn't he?"

Remus staggered back, pulling out of Sirius' grasp. "No. Stop it, Sirius. He hasn't done anything."

"How can you think he could love you more than I could?" Sirius fumed. "I'll prove it to you! Just tell me what you want!"

Remus took another step back, reaching for the door handle. "I think we both need some time to cool off."

He made his escape into the hallway, and leaned heavily against the door.

It was just as he'd feared. Sirius would do anything to keep him from Snape, even if it meant taking Remus for a lover himself.

And Sirius wasn't going to take rejection any easier than Snape would.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

"Come in," Snape called, not waiting for Lupin to knock.

Lupin pushed the door open just enough to squeeze though. A terrible habit, in Snape's opinion. "You wanted to see me?"

"I wished to discuss something with you. Sit down."

Lupin looked around, finally choosing an armchair that wasn't completely buried under stacks of books and papers, and sat down.

Snape opened his record log and pretended to consult it, though he knew the contents by heart. "The full moon is two weeks away."

Lupin cleared his throat. "I haven't forgotten. Will you prepare the Wolfsbane this month?"

Snape couldn't help but fix him with an ugly glare. Was the man really so daft? "As I do every month, Lupin. However, I would like to discuss the possibility of additional treatment for your condition."

Lupin leaned forward. "Additional treatment?"

"I have been working on another potion. If successful, it may relieve many of the symptoms of your transformations."

Lupin's adam's apple bobbed in his throat, but he remained surprisingly calm. "Really? I would be most grateful for something of that nature, Severus."

"I understand the transformations have been more difficult lately?"

"Yes."

"The pain level has increased?"

"Yes."

Snape pretended to make note of it. "I believe I have the solution. I warn you, however, that it may not be practical to implement."

Lupin frowned. "How so?"

"You will have to follow a strict regimen. At least three days before the full moon, and at least three after."

"I see no problem so far," Lupin said, his brow furrowing. "I take the Wolfsbane daily already."

"The potion must be applied topically."

"I... er... I see," Lupin said, this time swallowing audibly. "And... er... just how must that be done?"

"It must be spread over your body," Snape said calmly, "repeatedly, over the course of several hours. Prior to application, you will need to take a muscle relaxant."

Lupin was quiet for a long time. So long, in fact, that Snape began to fear Lupin would reject his proposal, voiding many weeks of meticulous and exhausting work.

"I assume the muscle relaxant will prevent me from being able to apply the potion myself?"

Snape nodded. "It will."

Lupin sighed. "Well. I admit I'm at a loss as to how I am to manage this, Severus."

Snape forced his face to remain carefully void of emotion. "I'm sure Black can be taught to do it properly. The man is not such a dunce."

Lupin looked down at his hands, and Snape knew he was thinking the same thing Snape himself knew to be fact. To spend hours rubbing a potion into the skin of his friend -- or even his lover -- could very well be beyond the limits of Black's patience.

"I will discuss it with him, of course," Lupin said, his smile now tight and forced. "Thank you... for your concern for my well-being."

Snape waved him off. "I am Potions master of this school, am I not? I'm merely doing my job." He paused before continuing. "If Black is unable to do it, you will let me know, won't you? I'm eager to test the potency of this potion, and I can think of no better subject. I will apply the potion myself, if needed, after the full moon. That's when the results will be easiest to see."

"I understand," Lupin said weakly. "I will let you know."

"Good," Snape said. "I will send the potion over, along with instructions, in the morning. Now, if you don't mind, I have a lot of work."

"Of course," Lupin said, rising rather shakily. "Thank you."

"I expect you will still make it to dinner Thursday night?" Snape inquired, opening the door for him.

"Yes," Lupin said absently. "Of course."

"Good night, Lupin."

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Remus stared at the roll of parchment -- covered from top to bottom in Snape's neat script -- that had accompanied the bottle containing what appeared to be dark oil.

"What's that, Remus?" Sirius asked, coming up behind him.

"A potion Severus made for me."

"What's it do?"

"He thinks it will relieve some of the pain and discomfort before and after the change."

Sirius patted him on the shoulder. "That's great. You've had it rough lately."

"I don't think I'll be able to use it," Remus said, shaking his head.

"What?"

Remus offered him the parchment. "Take a look."

It took Sirius a few minutes to read it, and over that time Remus watched a frown gather on his face. When he finally looked up, his expression was grim. "Is he going to do this to you?"

"No," Remus said, forgetting his agreement with Snape. "He suggested you might be able to. If not, I guess that's the end of it."

Sirius looked down at the parchment again. "I could try."

Remus heard the unmistakable tone of disgust in his voice. "Don't be silly, Sirius. I know that's farther than you're willing to go. I can't ask you to do that."

Sirius' stuck up his chin stubbornly. "I can do it. If this is what you need."

"I can't let you do it," Remus said softly. "It will disgust you, and I couldn't take that."

Sirius hesitated. Then, surprising Remus by the quickness of his withdrawal, he pushed the parchment away. "I'm sorry, Remus."

Remus picked up the parchment and rolled it up. "Can't be helped. I'm sure something else will come up."

Sirius looked regretful. "I am sorry, Remus. It's just too much."

"Don't worry about it," Remus assured him.

When Sirius left the room, Remus unrolled the parchment again and read the instructions again.

So he'd been right about Sirius. When it came to men, blowjobs --receiving them, that is -- were as far as he was willing to go. Clearly, the idea of putting his fingers --

Remus shook his head and pushed the bottle back into the padded bag it had come in, followed by the instructions and the soft capsules containing the muscle relaxant.

Everyone had their limits. This was Sirius', and Remus couldn't blame him for it. If he was completely honest with himself, the procedure Snape described caused his own stomach to turn in aversion.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

"He couldn't do it," Remus said. "Sirius is --"

"Mostly straight?" Snape finished for him, arching an eyebrow. "Or just unusually repulsed by the male body?"

"Possibly both."

"I see."

"I assume you have no such problem?"

"None," Snape said calmly. "Over the years, I have made -- and personally applied -- any number of such potions. It's quite a common procedure."

"Right," Remus said with another sigh. "Perfectly common." He crossed his arms over his chest, hugging his robes tighter to his body.

"I see you savaged yourself even more than usual," Snape said, looking him over critically. "Until now you had managed to avoid your face."

"Yes," Remus said simply. The gashes on his arms were nothing compared to the pain caused by the ones on his face and neck. They would scar...

"I believe the potion will prevent scarring," Snape said, as if reading his thoughts.

Maybe he had, Remus thought. He was too exhausted and in too much pain to care if Snape committed that violation.

Snape looked at him for another few moments before continuing. "There are two ways to do this, Lupin. On the table or on the bed. Your choice."

Remus felt a lump rise in his throat. "Wh-Which is better for you?"

"Bed," Snape said after a moment of thought. "Easier to clean up. The sheets can simply be rolled up."

"Very practical. All right then, the bed."

Snape said nothing, but led him down a short hallway. Remus had never been in Snape's bedroom, and despite everything he felt his curiosity rising.

"Undress and lie down," Snape said unceremoniously once they were inside.

Remus made a move toward the bed, then stopped, his back toward Snape. He couldn't do this. Not like this.

"Severus?"

"What is it, Lupin?"

"Would you... er... like to have sex?"

There was such absolute silence behind him that Remus began to feel a little frightened.

Then Snape cleared his throat. "What brings this on, if I may ask?"

Remus shrugged, wincing as a wound on his shoulder reopened. "What we're going to do, that's almost as intimate. You may not think so, but to me it seems very much that way. It may be as good a time as any to take our relationship to a more... physical level." He held his breath, waiting for whatever Snape might say. He had no idea how Snape might react.

"Unlike Black, I have no qualms about sex. A pity if you do, Lupin. As far as your proposal, I have no argument against it. I would, however, like to point out that the muscle relaxant will leave you effectually paralyzed."

"What if we --"

"I'm not in the habit of letting my lovers bleed to death while I fuck them."

Remus felt heat rush to his face. Snape certainly had a way of putting things.

"However," Snape continued when Remus didn't speak, "if you prefer to treat this as foreplay, I believe it may be a fair facsimile. There is always the morning, if you still wish to do it then."

Remus nodded. "Fine."

"In that case," Snape said, coming up behind him, "let me help you undress."

Remus allowed Snape to remove his robes before sitting down on the bed and making an attempt to tug off his boots.

"Let me," Snape said, brushing aside Remus' hands.

Naked and slightly shaky, Remus waited for further instructions.

Instead, Snape leaned down and kissed him, thin, hard lips pressing against his without much force.

Remus couldn't help the thought that Sirius put more passion into his kisses. Still, it was a start, and Remus parted his lips to allow Snape's tongue inside.

Apparently satisfied, Snape released him and stood up, shrugging out of his own robes. "Get comfortable, Lupin."

"Do you suppose you could call me Remus?"

"Remus," Snape repeated flatly. He pulled the cork out of a small bottle and poured a dose into a spoon. "The muscle relaxant should work faster in liquid form."

Remus reached for the spoon, but Snape kneeled on the bed and brought it to his mouth. "Wouldn't want you to spill. Your hands are shaking." He frowned, then took out his wand and pointed to the fireplace, casting a quick spell. The fire roared. "Better?"

"Thank you," Remus said, grimacing at the taste of the medicine sliding down his throat.

Almost immediately, he began to feel weak. He found himself unable to assist as Snape moved him carefully onto the center of the bed.

"As I explained earlier, several applications will be required," Snape said. He was pulling on a pair of gloves which Remus thought might be made of thin snakeskin.

He was going to ask, but found his mouth uncooperative.

"You will not be able to speak," Snape confirmed, frowning down at him. "It's best not to try, or you risk biting your tongue."

Remus watched helplessly as Snape continued to prepare. The bottle of potion was uncorked and set on a tray next to his head, then Snape muttered a few spells Remus did not recognize, and finally...

"I will begin with the worst of your injuries. After that, I will make a more thorough application."

Remus shut his eyes.

It was a few more minutes -- or maybe it only seemed that way -- before Snape's hand touched his face.

It was like liquid fire touching his skin.

It took him a while to realize he wasn't burning, and in fact there was no pain. The heat spread outward and inward from where Snape's fingertips moved in small, firm circles. Remus would almost swear the heat reached through to his bones.

He understood now why Snape had said it would take hours to apply the potion. The potion had to be carefully massaged into the skin, care taken to cover all of it. It was a slow process.

At some point, Remus opened his eyes so he could watch Snape's face. Snape never met his eyes. The only time he looked away from what he was doing was when he reached for the bottle to pour more of the potion into the palm of one hand.

The further down Remus' chest Snape's hand went, the more butterflies gathered in Remus' stomach.

Snape hadn't warned him it would feel so good. The potion didn't just heat. It vibrated. It pulsed deep in his muscles and through his veins like so many tiny heartbeats.

Snape's fingers circled Remus' nipples slowly, rubbing perhaps more, and certainly longer, than necessary. Remus couldn't help but moan softly.

"Good?" Snape inquired, his eyes flickering briefly to Remus' face.

Of course, Remus couldn't answer, but Snape did not appear to be looking for confirmation. A moment later he moved on to Remus' ribs, where the worst of his injuries were.

Remus had relaxed somewhat when Snape's hand moved to his genitals. If he hadn't been paralyzed, he would have leapt off the bed in shock as the potion began to seep in.

Snape appeared unperturbed, as though touching Remus' cock was no different than touching his hand. Remus barely forced back a hiss of agonized pleasure as Snape's finger pushed under his foreskin.

He felt himself harden, though he supposed the relaxant was keeping him from reaching a full erection. The feeling was just as pleasurable regardless.

Maybe Snape was right, and this was as good as foreplay. And if it was, what was it going to feel like to have Snape's fingers probe deep inside him?

Remus almost whimpered when Snape's hand left his cock, moving down his thigh toward another ragged wound.

"That's all of them," Snape said a few minutes later. "You might like to know that they're healing as expected. I will now apply the potion over your entire body. If you're tired, you may sleep. This will take several hours."

Remus was tired. The change had been particularly brutal. He found himself dozing, waking occasionally when Snape touched a sensitive spot. When consciousness returned fully, Snape was massaging his feet.

Remus watched him with half-open eyes. As usual, there was no discernible expression on Snape's face.

"I'm going to turn you over now," Snape said.

So it was halfway done, then.

After turning him onto his stomach, Snape carefully propped Remus' head up with a thin pillow before proceeding.

There was nothing Remus could do but wait. Snape made steady progress.

"I don't imagine you're a virgin, but if you haven't been laid in a while, this may hurt."

That was all the warning Remus got before Snape's fingers slid inside him.

If there was pain, it was lost in the other sensations. It had been a while for him, of course, but even considering that, nothing had the right to feel so damn good. He'd almost forgotten there were places inside him that could send surges of pleasure through his entire body.

His orgasm didn't take him by surprise -- it had been inevitable.

By the time he opened his eyes again, Snape was finished and was sitting on the edge of the bed, stroking Remus' arm lightly.

"Sleep," Snape said. "You need it."

Remus closed his eyes again. The last thing he remembered was a blanket being drawn over his body.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

"You slept with him."

Remus refused to be moved by Sirius' accusing tone. "It's an adult relationship, Sirius. That tends to happen."

"You slept with him. How could you, Remus?"

Remus bit his tongue to keep back the first retort that came to mind. "This is none of your business."

"Like hell it's not! You can't tell me you willingly went to bed with that greasy git!"

Remus crossed his arms and glared at him, refusing to answer. Sirius had no business accusing him of anything.

"Does this mean you've made your choice?"

"No," Remus said. "I haven't made anything."

"But you slept with him."

"We've established that fact."

"So that it, is it? You'll choose him because he's willing to fuck you." Sirius shook his head, looking disgusted.

"That's not true."

"Isn't it? Name one thing he can give you that I can't, aside from that. Go ahead. Name it. I'd like to hear it."

Remus swallowed hard. Sirius did have a point, to a certain extent. There wasn't anything concrete he could point to --

"You can't, can you, Remus," Sirius sneered. "You can't. So there you have it." He stood up abruptly, taking his cloak. "I'll leave you to think it over. I sincerely hope you'll think hard."

The door slammed behind him, and Remus dropped his head into his hands with a groan.

Was Sirius right? Was Remus choosing sex over true friendship? He had never doubted Sirius' affection for him, while Snape...

Well, who knew what Snape was feeling, really. Remus had spent more time with him than anyone, except perhaps Dumbledore, and he still didn't feel like he knew the man.

The night he'd spent in Snape's bed hadn't change a thing. It was still an impossible choice.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

"I don't know who else to talk to."

Snape froze, his ears pricking up. Years of spying had honed his hearing as well as his ability to tell when something of importance was being discussed.

Lupin's tone alone told him this was something he wanted to hear.

"Sirius is taking it so hard. Like a personal betrayal. I knew he wouldn't be happy, but I didn't expect him to be so upset. I can't tell if he really loves me, or if he's willing to have me just to keep me from Severus."

The source of the voices was obvious now. A broom cupboard had been left open, probably by a careless student, and Snape could see a small window in back of it had also been opened a crack. Lupin and his confidant had to be standing on the other side of the wall, possibly in the courtyard.

In one fluid motion, Snape stepped inside the cupboard and shut the door behind him. No sense letting a passing student or teacher catch him standing in the middle of the hallway like a fool.

"Yes," Lupin was now saying. "I know that. I just don't know if we're truly right for each other. He doesn't let me get close. It's like he doesn't even know how to let someone closer than arm's length. A marriage to him might be as loveless, in some ways, as one to Sirius."

In the dark, Snape scowled. What was Lupin going on about?

"Have you thought about what you want, Remus?"

Snape struggled to identify the voice, but though he thought it might belong to Hooch, he couldn't be sure with the wind and distance distorting it. Apparently Lupin was standing closer to the window.

"Sirius bought a house, and I have to admit, walking through it I couldn't help but want all that Sirius was offering. A place to belong."

"I meant in a person, Remus. A house you can buy with any man. What do you want in a partner?"

"I want... intimacy. I want someone I can share everything with. Someone I can talk to if I've had a bad day, someone I can cuddle with by the fire, or sit reading a book and just feel his presence in the room with me. I want someone who understands that I want to be left alone sometimes. Someone who understands what the change is like, because he will see me at my worst so often. Someone who thinks family is more important than anything." There was a long pause. "That's Sirius. Damn it. That's Sirius, isn't it?"

Snape's breath caught in his throat. He had never hated Black more than he did at that moment.

He didn't hear the reply. It was a long time before Lupin spoke again.

"I think what Sirius really offers is a family. A chance to raise a child... even if Harry is almost grown up now. You can't imagine what it's like, knowing I can never have one of my own. That's what my curse stole from me."

"A baby?"

"I've never wanted anything more, and the older I get the more I ache for it. I know it's impossible. I know it, but I can't let it go. At least with Sirius I can experience a little of what it's like."

"Have you thought of adopting? Perhaps Severus --"

Lupin laughed; a low, bitter sound. "I think Severus has made it clear over the years that he thinks children are barely tolerable. And Sirius... I don't think he wants children. He's told me Harry is more than enough. For him, the future is travel to exotic places. Having adventures. Not changing nappies and kissing boo-boos. I always --"

Just then there was a crash and a girl screamed.

Lupin swore loudly. "Bloody Slytherins! Get the nurse quickly, I can see from here that's a broken bone."

Snape heard hurried footsteps as Lupin and his companion each ran in different directions. After a moment, he checked that the hallway was empty and left his hiding place.

So.

Lupin wanted a baby.

A baby of his own, no less.

Snape was so lost in thought that he missed a perfect opportunity to take points off a Gryffindor who was kicking the statue of Greg the Gargantuan.

Lupin wanted a baby, and there was no way Black could give him one.

Snape felt a rare smile tug at his lips.

Lupin couldn't carry a baby himself, but he was in error to think he couldn't father one. A common misconception about werewolves. Obviously Lupin hadn't done as much research as Snape had done in the process of creating the Wolfsbane potion.

If Black couldn't even see himself in bed with a man, what were the chances he would agree to carry a baby? The process was not particularly difficult, though it involved more than two dozen potions and potentially weeks of mind-numbing bed rest, but for a man as hyper-masculine as Sirius Black, the very idea would be obscene.

Snape allowed his smile to fully develop, in the process frightening a passing third-year Hufflepuff into incoherent stuttering.

Lupin was going to be his yet.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Remus sat down in the visitor's chair and waited. According to the clock, he was a bit early; Snape was still teaching his last class for the day.

He looked around the office, taking note of two new jars filled with yellowish liquid, in which disgusting pickled creatures floated.

Finally, he occupied himself by taking a scrap of parchment from Snape's desk and penning a letter to Bill Weasley, thanking him for the talisman he had sent Harry. Very likely Harry would forget, what with the frenzy over the upcoming Valentine's Day dance.

"Lupin."

Remus looked up. Snape was hanging up his heavy cloak, and there was snow on his clothes and in his hair. "Was class all right? I didn't realize you went out."

"Longbottom needed to be escorted to the greenhouses. The boy refuses to give it up, even in this weather."

Remus blinked in momentary confusion. Snape had helped Neville to the greenhouses, braving snow and sleet? "That was very kind of you, Severus."

"I appreciate his tenacity. It is his one admirable quality, but it may just serve him well in life."

Remus nodded, unable to think of anything to say to that observation. Certainly it was no glowing praise, but coming from Snape, one could almost forget all the cruel things he usually said about poor Neville.

"I called you in because we both seem to have the afternoon free. My work has kept me busy of late."

Remus nodded again. "Yes. I missed you at meals."

"I had them brought to my quarters," Snape said. "I couldn't afford to waste time, and my potions needed to be closely watched."

"Has something happened to make your usual load heavier?"

Snape shrugged. "A virulent flu is going around. Some typical injuries. Frostbite. Nothing of concern."

"I'm sure Poppy appreciates your assistance."

"Pomfrey is suitably grateful, yes. St. Mungo's is still very slow in sending potions."

"They're swamped over there. I heard there are fifty more refugees just arrived from Durmstrang."

"We'll end up with more than our fair share here," Snape said. "Just wait and see."

"Poor kids."

Snape nodded. "I don't envy them. Mind you, I'm glad Hogwarts is able to help, even if we are stretched thin."

Remus felt another wave of confusion, but Snape seemed to choose that moment to change the subject.

"The reason I called you in, Lupin. I believe we should discuss our possible future together."

"Our... er..." Remus swallowed hard before he could go on. "Of course. We haven't had much chance to talk lately. I'm sure some things have come up since our last... time together."

Snape didn't seem to notice Remus' difficulty. "It seems prudent to discuss our expectations before our relationship goes any farther."

"Our expectations?" Remus repeated, frowning slightly.

"It would be a pity to make a commitment only to realize we have very different needs and desires."

"Of course," Remus said, relaxing slightly. "It would be terrible."

"Lets begin with you, Lupin."

"Remus," Remus reminded him gently. "I though we agreed you would call me Remus?"

"Remus," Snape repeated with a curt nod. "I suppose the first question I want to ask you is... Are you happy to reside at Hogwarts indefinitely, or would you prefer what one might call a 'real home'?"

"I don't mind living at Hogwarts," Remus answered cautiously. "It has been my only place of refuge most of my life."

"I see," Snape said, frowning. "I have a home, Remus. It isn't much, and I haven't so much as spent a night in it since my childhood, but it's there nonetheless. I always thought someday I would live there again, with my family."

"Family?"

"My partner and children, of course."

There was a silence, which Remus finally managed to fill by clearing his throat. Twice.

"Severus. I don't know if you're aware of this, but I can't have children."

"Nonsense," Snape said evenly. "Don't tell me you read that in 'Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them' and believed it."

Remus stared at him.

"You are capable of fathering a child," Snape continued, apparently under the impression that Remus hadn't understood. "Although your condition would prevent you from carrying one. It is an unfortunate limitation, because I have heard pregnancy can be a rewarding experience."

Remus continued to stare. The power of speech had abandoned him utterly.

"Well?" Snape demanded. "Why do you stare? You do want children, Lupin, do you not?"

"I --" Remus' voice cracked, and he coughed. "Yes, Severus. More than anything. Are you certain it's possible?"

"Quite," Snape confirmed. "If you doubt me you may look up the research of Rostand."

"I don't doubt you."

Snape leaned back in his chair and regarded Remus scrutinizingly. "You say you do want children. When do you want them?"

"I-I don't know," Remus said, twisting the hem of his robes in his hands.

"Right away? I'm not willing to wait years. I meant to be married long before this. The war..." Snape's voice trailed off.

Remus' head whirled. "Right away. I want one right away..."

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

"He what?"

Remus sank down on the edge of the bed and shook his head helplessly. "A baby, Sirius. He can have my baby."

Sirius stared at him with an expression of pure disgust. "Get knocked up, you mean?"

Remus looked up, slowly realizing that Sirius was not on the same wavelength. "Men can, Sirius. You know that."

Sirius snorted. "What kind of a man would want that?"

"I would," Remus said. "I would give anything to be able to have a baby."

"So have one," Sirius muttered. "If you want one that much. I'm not stopping you."

"I can't. No pregnancy would survive the change."

Sirius looked slightly sorry, but the next minute he rolled his eyes and shook his head. "Look, Remus, what do you want a squalling infant for? We have Harry. Why spend years changing soiled nappies?"

Remus looked away, biting the inside of his cheek.

"You never wanted one before," Sirius added peevishly. "Snape put that idea in your head."

"He didn't," Remus said, rising slowly. "I never said anything because I didn't know it was possible."

Sirius snorted again and turned away. "Well you can't expect me to have one. That's too much, Remus."

Remus shook his head. "I wouldn't."

Sirius froze, his back still to him. "Then...?"

"I think I made my choice, Sirius. I'm sorry."

Sirius shoulders slumped.

"I'm sorry," Remus repeated, moving toward the door.

Sirius shrugged. "Go on. Marry the greasy bastard and let him pop out a few brats. We'll see how it turns out."

Remus turned on his heel and stalked out of the room, passing a stunned looking Harry without so much as a word.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

"Very Slytherin of you," Snape said, raising an eyebrow.

"It occurred to me this could be just another pawn in this sick little game you and Sirius have been playing with me."

Snape's eyebrow shot up even higher. "Game? Marriage is hardly a game, Lupin."

"I want you to understand me, Severus," Remus said, stopping his pacing and turning toward Snape. "I could have chosen either one of you. The scales were fairly even. I could have been happy regardless of my choice. I chose you because you offered me something Sirius can never give me -- or won't."

"I see," Snape said.

"This sounds cold hearted, I know --"

"Hardly," Snape cut in. "Sounds quite practical to me."

Remus took a deep breath to steady himself. Yes, Snape would think it was practical to choose a partner based on what he could offer you.

"Nothing has ever been as important to me as having a family. I spent most of my life believing it was impossible."

"And now you think I'm using it as bait?"

"That would be very Slytherin of you," Remus shot back.

"I'll tell you what, Lupin," Snape said calmly. "There is no need for us to marry yet. We will conceive a child first. The law requires marriage within a month of conception. I will require it within a week. It will, however, give you the assurance you want."

Remus sat down where he stood, and had a chair not skidded underneath him, he would have ended up sprawled on the floor.

"Is that satisfactory?" Snape inquired in the same dispassionate tone.

"Perfectly," Remus choked out.

"Very well," Snape said, standing up. "I happen to have a potion ready. Meant for a colleague, but no matter, I will make more. I will take the potion now, and if you're up for it, I'm sure we can seal this deal by midnight."

Too numb to think, Remus allowed Snape to steer him toward the bedroom.

"You may undress while I get the potion," Snape said, leaving him standing by the bed.

Remus snapped out of his stupor. "Severus, are you quite mad?"

Snape turned back to look at him. "What?"

"I can't do this!"

"And why not, pray tell?"

"I..." Remus raked his hand through his hair and looked around wildly. "I..."

"Undress. This is what you wanted."

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Snape opened the cupboard door and went inside. The potion was ready; had been ready for days, ever since the night he found out Lupin's secret desire. He would have to brew most of the others as he went along, as there hadn't been time to prepare all of them.

He picked up the heavy glass flask and looked closely at the swirling liquid inside.

A baby.

Well. Not exactly what he would choose to have, just then. Perhaps it had entered his mind a few times, when he considered the possibility of marriage, but marriage and family life had seemed an unlikely attainment before the war ended.

Snape shut the cupboard door carefully and listened for sounds from the bedroom.

All he had to do now was get Lupin to go through with it. There would be no turning back.

And as for the baby... Lupin would take care of it, after all. It was not as though anyone was expecting Snape to change nappies or --Merlin forbid -- breastfeed the little beast. When it got older, there would be day school and afternoon activities. After that, boarding school. At most, he would have to suffer through summers... unless summer camp could be arranged.

Lupin would be the one to wipe dripping noses and read saccharine bedtime stories, give baths and bandage scraped knees. All Snape had to do was put in nine months. The worst that would happen is he'd lose his breakfast a few times.

Lupin was worth that, but more than that, it was worth it to know he had taken Lupin from Black.

Snape stopped to fill a tall glass with the potion. Leaving the empty bottle on the table, he carried the glass carefully into the bedroom.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Remus rolled over onto his back and stared up at the ceiling.

"Lupin?"

"Remus," Remus muttered. "I can't believe you can still call me Lupin after that."

"Old habits die hard."

Remus turned his head to look at Snape. "Are you all right?"

"Of course."

"It's been a while since I... Are you sure I didn't hurt you?"

Snape snorted.

"Should I go?"

"Go? Where would you go?"

"It's late."

"Your point?"

Remus shook his head. "Never mind."

"Go to sleep Lu-- Remus. By morning we will know whether the potion has worked, and then you will have no reason to leave at all. One night will hardly make a difference."

"I didn't say it would," Remus said, sighing. "I'm not used to sharing a bed, that's all. I thought it might be the same for you."

"It is," Snape said, reaching down to pull the duvet over them. "But unlike you, I always meant to change that."

"I never said I didn't want to."

"Then stop muttering and go to sleep."

Remus turned over on his side and sighed again.

It had been too long since the last time he had sex with anyone for him to be certain whether anything was lacking. He couldn't help thinking there was a certain methodical coldness with which Snape went through it.

Maybe that would change. They had to get comfortable with each other first, and he did have to admit they'd rushed into a physical relationship before a foundation of trust had been fully built.

He shut his eyes and listened to the other man's steady breathing. Snape had a knack for falling asleep quickly, no matter what the situation. Remus had first noticed it when they were working together during the war, and he supposed it was a survival technique of sorts. One had never known when one might get the next chance to rest, after all, and it had been prudent to use any lull to catch up on sleep.

What if Snape did get pregnant? Certainly the man knew his potions. If this wasn't a trick...

Part of him refused to believe that nine months from then he might be holding a son or a daughter in his arms.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

(see next post)